We're Counting Backwards
by Damsel Degrassi
Summary: How it would've happened if Holly J. really did cheat on Declan. Takes place right before school starts. ONE SHOT, Holly J's POV.


One shot. Flashbacks of Declan/Holly J., and what would happen if she really had cheated on him. I wrote this before season 10 came out, and I wanted to put this one because some of the lines were... half-way decent(: Also, it's still summer, so Sav hasn't won presidency yet.

"I love you, Holly J."

His delicate, heart broken whisper intertwines around my thoughts, making nothing in the world audible but his voice. His melancholy words settle against my heavy heartbeat. I shut my eyes, transporting myself away from The Dot Cafe and back to New York. Back to the place I want to be most. Back with Declan.

He looks at me.

His cherry red lips form a worn, exhausted smile, but its still real. His expression is caring, warm. Its happy. Yet, his eyes tell me different. His eyes, the sea green eyes that send me immediate peace and melt my worries, have lost its gleam.

Declan had set up a candlelit dinner to spend our last night together in New York before I headed back to Degrassi. It was out on his balcony, the two of us alone so we could be away from Park Avenue Princess Fiona. Away from the people. Away from the world. And as I milked the warm feeling in his presence, it felt like we were the world. The two of us, creating everything on our own.

I tighten my grip on the cold metal of the balcony bar, and I suddenly feel the firm but gentle touch of his fingers lace together with mine, sending chills down my spine. He kissed my forehead lightly, I can smell his Drakkar Noir cologne.

I lay my head on his shoulder, watching the view of New York up on his balcony. The glowing buildings and apartments glitter with lights illuminating the blanket of night sky darkness. Cars and taxis speed by each other, making that beautiful, busy New York sound.

"

"I didn't know it was possible, but your house in New York is actually bigger than the Coyne Estate back in Toronto," I joked.

"The house is pretty cool," He admits, not taking his gaze off me. "But the view is the best part."

I smile, and he leans in to kiss me. In the moment where I was wrapped in his arms, the world turns calm. I see anything but him. Everything was perfect. I wrap my arms around him and and bury my cold fingers in his pockets, inhaling Drakkar Noir, pressing my cheek to the soft fabric of his green and gray jacket.

The very same one he wore on our first date.

"So what courses are you going to take at Vanderbilt?" I ask, trying to keep our date on a positive note.

"I'll be directing the play again," He tells me. "Hopefully not as hectic as last year. And you'll still be Dragon Lady of Degrassi." He paused. "See, Holly J, we're not changing. We're the same people. Just... away for a bit."

"I'm worried." I admit.

Don't be," I whisper in his ear. "You're standing here beside me, right now. We'll make it work. Long distance."

"There'll be tons of other guys at Degrassi. Smarter, funnier, suaver. If that's possible." He smiled, trying to make a joke out of it.

I roll my eyes and laugh. "Right there, another thing that won't change; you're big ego."

"I can't believe how fast this year's been," He says, melancholy etching at his words.

"It's sort of depressing, how you and Fiona and Spin and Jane are all going you're separate ways, down all your different roads, and I'm back at Degrassi stuck on mine."

"Only for one more year."

"And then off to Yale," I smile at the thought. 'I'll be a world-famous director,' he always told me. 'And you'll be the first lady president-a.'

"That is if I can afford it."

"You'll be able to. You're still keeping your job at the Dot, plus you call me if you ever need financial aid."

I stare at him. My eyes sting, but I push the tears back behind my eyes. I run my fingers through his soft, copper brown hair, not wasting a second of our time together. And as I hug him tighter, I see the full, black shadow reflect both of us, hugging silhouettes taped to the ground.

"I'll miss you, Holly J."

I believed him. But even I knew fairy tales only lasted so long.

"Earth to Holly J," I hear Spinner's deep, concerned voice, amputating my thoughts. I snap back to reality, hurrying to empty my expression. In public, when you were Holly J. Sinclair, it was imparative not to let my guard down. My reputation of invincibility was one of the only things I had left. "Your totally zoning, and customers are waiting." He touches my arm lightly.

I wince.

He pulls away quickly, remembering how I hate being touched, but its not that. Its simply being reminded of the same way Declan used to touch my arm when he was worried about me, and that alone made my heart rip all over again at grappling with the pain that he was gone.

I was so close to being with him again.

"Sorry," I mutter.

"Are you worried about Declan?" I smile. Good ol' Spin. "Because you know," He continues, "There'll be a lot of other guys out there."

"Don't be stupid," I roll my eyes. "We're continuing long distance."

Spin shrugs and goes back over to the grill. I sigh, and turn to the next customer.

"Hey Holly J." A familiar voice says casually behind me. I turn around to see Sav. His hawk black hair was side-swept behind his ear, and his light brown eyes glittered.

He was with Anya.

It felt like a punch in the gut, seeing them together again. So happy. So in love.

Nonetheless, I raise my eyebrows sarcastically. "What can I get you?"

"Two sweet teas," Sav answers. Anya giggles. It made me sick.

I turn to walk to the fridge and take out the pitcher of Sweat Tea. Behind me, I hear Anya say, "Sav, I'll be right back, I gotta go to the restroom." I turn to see Anya smiling, her braces gleaming.

After she left, I look to Sav. "So you I see you two are getting friendly."

"Don't sound too disappointed." He smiles. I give him a sarcastic you're-so-funny laugh and roll my eyes again. "Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime? Catch a flick?"

"Sav, your with Anya," I say in a duh-voice.

"Not officially. We're working on being 'friends again,'" He says, making air quotes. "And, now that Decs is out of the picture, you've got no one holding you down."

Amazing as it sounds, his offer is tempting. I quickly look down, studying the marble countertops of The Dot bar. His shadow lingers over the cash register.

"C'mon. You need a break from working all the time, right?" He raises his dark, beautiful eyebrows expectantly. Maybe he's right. Maybe I need a break. Not only from the mentorship, work, and presidency. Away from this Declan drama. Its time to have fun. Put an end to the perfection and structure in my world, as he put it.

And as soon as I think of his name, a flood of memories crash over me so hard, I have to grab onto the table to keep from falling.

"I couldn't wait to spend every possible moment with you."

"Your my consolation prize."

"It'll be worth it."

"I don't wanna leave Holly J."

"I don't normally try this hard."

"You know, this was a good first date."

"You have to trust me, Holly J."

"I'll never break your heart."

As it crashes over me like a tidal wave, the only thing I wanna do is forget it. Forget the sadness. Fairy tales don't exist. And right now, it felt like I needed to grasp the piece of reality I still had before I fell down for real. And as I look at Sav, suddenly realizing how cute he looks right now, I can't help but smile.


End file.
